I CAN'T ANYMORE, BECAUSE OF BOTOX.

How great is it that we're now openly acknowledging Mary's awful Botox? We have come a long way. Also, how excellent was the first show? Usually the first few weeks are easy cuts, but I thought everyone did fabulous. This is going to be a tough season.

Now on to more important details because when I make promises, I deliver. So to all two of you patiently awaiting for me to unveil THE NICKNAMES, today is your day. The 20 mildly offensive, somewhat obvious, and occasionally nonsensical re-names are here. Jenny and K are also posting Nicknames, maybe sometime before the end of the season, which will more than likely kick my Nickname's trash. At which point I will bow down and adjust accordingly.

JEANINE and PHILLIP
Okay, so maybe not in this picture but otherwise this chick looks exactly like Emmy Rossum (Christine from Phantom). It's spooky and it's all I can see. So far I like her alright. Phillip I'm still not impressed with. Could they have given him an easier routine? (Side note - "draw their styles out of a hat" my left foot. They actually do in the second half of the season but I guarantee they get assigned in the beginning). Oh, and Phillip's cartoon lips? They are out of control, self explanatory. ADE and MELISSA
If this gal read my blog I'm pretty sure she'd hope for "Naughty Ballerina", but since she insists on bringing that name upon her self my response is: stop trying to make Naughty Ballerina happen, it's not going to happen. Brad wanted to name her "No eyebrows" but I think Oldie is mean enough. If you can't tell she's not my favorite, do ballet dancers ALWAYS have to wear tutus? Hair Pick on the other hand, I like. I'm always a fan of fly by night DJ slash Dancers.

MAX and KAYLA

This Max character is so serious. Bang. Officially the Russian Assassin. (They almost make it too easy.) And then there is Blondie, aptly named because that's all I can see (PS - how awful is her getup in the picture below?). I don't want to hate on her just yet because I'm not sure how I feel, we shall see. I think they were a little high on life after her last performance, she was good but its not like that dance cured cancer. Simmer down now.

JONATHAN and KARLA
I was going to name this guy Disney (same explanation for Jason below applies here) but I think this youngster truly believes he is some sort of extreme stud muffin. Bless his heart. Fabian, I'm pretty sure you are the next to go buddy. Don't let The Man keep you down. And Blah Blah is exactly that. And she should have gone last week.

CAITLIN and JASON
Initially her name was Cry Baby, but while she did in fact cry an inordinate amount it wasn't exactly right and I couldn't put my finger as to why I had immediately disliked her. That is UNTIL I realized that she is a doppelganger for Ruby from Felicity, and since Ruby swept in and ruined Noel's life I can never forgive her, so naturally this Ruby lookalike has a lot to make up for if she expects my vote. And doesn't Jason look like a character from any Disney channel movie? I'm pretty sure he's been in all of them, just look closer.

BRANDON and JANETTE

Oh, Brandon. When you dramatically danced to O Fortuna in your audition and made Mary cry I knew you were her chosen one. So I can't blame you for giving Mary a little suga on the side. As for the name Espanola? She just seems like one of those people who decides to use a spanish accent at will - Hi, my name is Amy SANCHEZ, my family is from ARGENTINA and I totally love HABANEROS and TACOS. Pet peeve my friends, pet peeve.

RANDI and EVAN

I debated on calling Randi either Utah Hair or Unitard. I went with Unitard because I don't think she's giving it her best Utah Hair effort. She is missing the square head tease and zebra stripe highlights. Evan, could he be more adorable? Broadway indeed.

VITOLIO and ASUKA

I think this picture was taken right after Vitolio found out I call him The Orphan. Oh, well. Orphan, I hope you get better choreography this week because I think I really like you. Cool Asian (a la Mean Girls) still bugs. I'm not a fan.

KUPONO and ASHLEY

I tried really hard to think of another name for her besides Bird Face because I think she's really cute, but the more I replayed the last episode and the more I look at this picture all I could see was BIRD BIRD BIRD. So there you have it. But she is a very cute bird. If you need an explanation for Kupono's nickname I'm not sure I could say anything beyond, What the what?

TONY and PARIS

Eh, Tony and Chin Girl (initially referred to as Cutty, as in House) suffered the shame of first blood. Totally don't agree that Chin Girl should have gotten the boot, I was really starting to like her. But Eh, Tony performed the worst solo in So Can Dance history so he had it coming. See you guys at the finale!

*After re-reading this I guess I like almost all the guys and hate most of the girls. As per usual.

Are you ready to post yet Jenny and K? Once you unleash your awesomeness I'll need some time to re-do my amazing graphics before this week's episode.