SO CAN DANCE - SEASON 8 - NICKNAMES AND WHATNOT

I like this season of dancers. They all seem strong and I don't think there are many weak links cast for their sad story or their message. Just a disclaimer - I don't think I've ever claimed to be a nice person. And if anyone was ever confused on the matter this should probably destroy those thoughts. But keep in mind this is for funsies I'm really not trying to be malicious. OKAY. Let's get started.

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Ashley Rich
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Antioch, CA
Currently Resides: Emeryville, CA
Age: 22

"Now this is a story, all about how my life, got twisted upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how..." she totally looks like Ashley Banks right? And what do you know? Her name is ALREADY Ashley. If this was 15 years ago Brad would be losing $10 to me claiming they were one in the same person. So we've already started calling her Ashley Banks. Like one word: Ashleybanks.

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Ryan Ramirez
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Morgan Hill, CA
Currently Resides: North Hollywood, CA
Age: 19

For those of you that haven't watched the past few seasons or didn't hear them talk about her back story two hundred times then you might not know that she was Mia Michael's dancer. She was one of the dancers that helps the choreographers teach the dance to the contestants each week. So she has been a part of the So Can Dance family and was thisclose to making the top ten last year. I know a lot of these dancers are all sorts of intertwined with each other, I guess the dance world is pretty small. But her ties are so obvious that we've dubbed her Lil Nepotiz.

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Mitchell Kelly
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Currently Resides: Atlanta, GA
Age: 20

Literally the only note I wrote down for this guy is: "Tiny Head??" That makes me crack up - so I think it's gonna stick. From what I remember in my conversation with Brad we both thought he reminded us of Brandon from a few seasons ago who coincidentally (or possibly not) also had a tiny head. Is that a thing for dancers to have huge necks and no heads? Dear Tiny Head, I'm sorry that the only impression you made on me is that you and a newborn baby have the same size head. Cheers, Bridget.

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Jess LeProtto
Dance Specialty: Broadway
Hometown: Little Falls, NJ
Currently Resides: Little Falls, NJ
Age: 18

This guy takes himself VERY seriously. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's a modern day Sinatra or possibly the Broadway version of Trivolta circa 1975. But those nicknames are all way too cool for him. I love his style of dancing, but him not so much. It seems like he has short man syndrome so instead of calling him Mini Jazz Hands I've settled on Napoleon. It rolls of the tongue so nicely, right?

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Clarice Ordaz
Dance Specialty: Jazz
Hometown: Whittier, CA
Currently Resides: Whittier, CA
Age: 19

Is there a name creepier in all the land than Clarice? How can you not say it like Hannibal Lecter? Yikes it's giving me chills just thinking about it. No brainer, she's Silence of the Lambs. It's a good thing she has a scary name because otherwise this chick would be faceless, I don't remember her at all.

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Alexander Fost
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Alhambra, CA
Currently Resides: Alhambra, CA
Age: 21

Apparently this guy is incredible in real life. You know what I mean. Real life outside of this show. He's won tons of awards. But none of that really matters because all I can think about when I see him is his slicked back hair and smirky smile - he's totally Rico Suave.

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Caitlynn Lawson
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Moses Lake, WA
Currently Resides: Moses Lake, WA
Age: 18

Wow. She really looks like Lacey Schwimmer in this picture. In reality she doesn't resemble her all that much. Actually the fact that she's not looking at the camera is kind of hilarious because Brad and I could not stop being mesmerized by her blinding veneers last night. And much like 99% of life those veneers reminded us of Friends.

Hillary: (About Ross's whitened teeth glowing in the black light) Are those your teeth?!
Ross: Oh, you can see them, huh?
Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white.
Ross: I, I did that for you.
Hillary: What’s a matter with you?
Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999!

Needless to say, the name Veneers stuck after that.

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Chris Koehl
Dance Specialty: Hip Hop
Hometown: Garland, TX
Currently Resides: Garland, TX
Age: 21

I'm so confused. You're telling me this ISN'T Legacy from season 6? I just checked the all knowing Google and apparently this is a different person. Huh. But he's for sure Legacy Incarnate or Legacy Resurrection or as we like to call him Legacy Part Deux.

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Missy Morelli
Dance Specialty: Jazz
Hometown: Arvada, CO
Currently Resides: Studio City, CA
Age: 20

Miss Thang here is part of the triumvirate of what I like to call The Stripper Sisters (they should start a band). Usually there's at least 1 blatantly over sexualized dancer but this season we have been blessed with three. Oh we must have been VERY good boys and girls this past year to deserve such a treat. Why oh why?! Annnnyyywaaay. She'll be called Saucy McGee because I can't stop rolling my eyes long enough to be more creative than that.

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Melanie Moore
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Marietta, GA
Currently Resides: New York, NY
Age: 19

All I can see is her eight-year-old Boy Hair. I keep thinking she's very masculine but I've decided it's really just her hair. I'm sorry it's so distracting! Please just grow it out a few inches and take some style cues from Carey Mulligan. Because I think I really like you but I can't tell with that hair in the way.

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Wadi Jones
Dance Specialty: Breaking
Hometown: Ossining, NY
Currently Resides: Ossining, NY
Age: 24

There's always a few dancers that give me no inspiration for a nickname and then I realize it's because I already remember their actual name. "Jones" is one of those names I use as a filler when I can't remember someone's full name - so Wadi Jones sounds like something I would have made up already anyway. This will be pronounced much like Ashleybanks, Wadijones.

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Sasha Mallory
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Bakersfield, CA
Currently Resides: Bakersfield, CA
Age: 23

I'm really bummed that her sister didn't make it. Not because I think she deserved it. Let's get real. Her sister was good, but So Can Dance likes to pat itself on the back for being "open" to different body types - they strung her along as far as they could without losing their cred. Sounds harsh but you know it's true. Anyway. The reason I'm bummed is because I was calling them Biggie Smalls. You know, the other one was Biggie and this one was Smalls. Is that awful or awesome? Also, I was also considering Sister/Sister. After the much beloved TV show of my youth. But those don't really apply anymore so I had taken to calling her Cockatoo because that hair is ca-rayzee. Come on people. But that only stuck for half of the episode and I was back to calling her Sister/Sister. So that is my ridiculously long explanation as to why she is permanently Sister/Sister.

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Miranda Maleski
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Pittsburgh, PA
Currently Resides: North Hollywood, CA
Age: 19

Curly Sue. Self explanatory. She needs to step up her game because she is also faceless. I don't remember her much from the audition/Las Vegas episodes. But she does have curly hair.

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Ricky Jaime
Dance Specialty: Contemporary
Hometown: Miami, FL
Currently Resides: Tampa, FL
Age: 19

From these photos this guy really looks like Tiny Head. But trust me there's two of them. Here's the gist: this guy sports a mohawk and has pointy eyebrows. Those were the extent of my notes on him. The only other thing I noted was: "jeggings!" When he was accepted into the top 20 I swear he stood before the judges wearing male (or possibly female) jeggings. No lie. So unless anyone has a better suggestion he is currently the Jeggings Guy.

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Iveta Lukosiute
Dance Specialty: Ballroom
Hometown: Klaipeda, Lithuania
Currently Resides: New York, NY
Age: 30

This chick is number two in The Stripper Sisters brigade. Did you see her first dance in Las Vegas? Totally not family friendly. More noticeable than the fact that she usually wears next to nothing is the fact that girlfriend needs a sandwich. She's gonna cut her partner with those cheek bones poking out. They did a good job in this picture with trying to make her look healthy but I swear she needs a good 15 more pounds on her. I hope she doesn't have some terrible disease that prevents her from retaining nutrients. Either way we've taken to calling her Ally McBeal. Let's hope there won't be any dancing babies.

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Jordan Casanova
Dance Specialty: Jazz
Hometown: Chino Hills, CA
Currently Resides: Chino Hills, CA
Age: 18

Aaaaaand this chick my friends is the LEADER of The Stripper Sisters. In fact she gets the title Stripper Pants based on her original audition alone. Because seriously. Gross. When they showed her audition I kept thinking it was one of those auditions they show for the ratings. You know, the over the top people who are marginally good but the judges tear them apart because they are ridiculous? Well that's what I thought. Until she finished her dance of seduction and the judges loved her and sent her straight to Vegas and then decided to put her in the top 20. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

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Marko Germar
Dance Specialty: Jazz
Hometown: Dededo, Guam
Currently Resides: Canoga Park, CA
Age: 22

I'm really torn on calling this guy either 50 Cent or Mowgli. 50 Cent, because he's they guy with a bullet in his shoulder from a convenience store robbery (he wasn't the robber). And Mowgli because I swear he's the real life version of the cartoon character. I'm really leaning toward Mowgli because I don't think he cares about his street cred with the urban demo. I made my decision. Decision made. He shall be known as Mowgli.

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Tadd Gadduang
Dance Specialty: Hip Hop
Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT
Currently Resides: Salt Lake City, UT
Age: 25

All I can think about when I hear the name Tadd is Tad Hamilton but that doesn't really work. I've got nothing for this guy other than the fact that he has crazy eyes similar to Eric Roberts and Rhys Myers. Eyes that say, "I will kill you with my thoughts." So we'll go with Crazy Eyes. But I'm pretty certain that in the comfort of my own living room I'll still call him Tadd Hamilton. I hope he doesn't kill me.

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Robert Taylor Jr.
Dance Specialty: Hip Hop
Hometown: Brooklyn, NY
Currently Resides: New York, NY
Age: 31

This one is too easy because he's definitely the "Woo Guy". Since his first moment on screen he has done nothing but say "Wooooooo" over and over. But we all remember him - he's a marketing genius. Much like the "Pop Pop" guy on Community.

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Nick Young
Dance Specialty: Tap
Hometown: Franklin, WI
Currently Resides: Franklin, WI
Age: 19

This guy better get some personality so he can get more screen time. He's cute as a button and he taps. So far I've been calling him Soft Shoe. And that's pretty much it.

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Okay. That officially kicks off Season 8. See you next week, I'm excited!